Don't pull a New Zealand; get some sleep.

Don't know if you're familiar with EcoChallenge, or if they still air it. It's an "adventure race": They start teams of about 4 people out in some remote location-- I think the year in question they were somewhere in Fiji-- and the teams race to an endpoint using survival skills, orienteering, and extreme sports-type stuff. Whatever it takes to get to that endpoint, whether it be hiking, swimming, kayaking, mountain climbing, you name it. And they're RUNNING the whole time because it's a race. It's intense to watch. This one year the two teams in first place were Australia and New Zealand, who have a fierce rivalry going. It was down to the last few days of the race, and there were a few critical decisions to be made, including whether to climb over a set of mountains or swim around them, and whether to stop to sleep or keep going. Australia decided to sleep. The New Zealand team leader was gleeful that he decided his team should forgo sleep, because he figured it would give them the extra time to really get ahead.

Anyway, it was a disastrous decision. Sleep deprivation hit very, very hard, and of course it was the team leader himself that got hit. He was hallucinating, raving, walking straight off of ledges... it was amazing and horrifying to watch. His team ended up having to carry him, which of course lost them the race.

So when I'm in a deadline crunch and I decide to take time out to sleep, I generally say I "don't want to pull a New Zealand." =)

I got an email from a potential client inquiring about my availability for freelance editing. I responded with a sort of application-email, pointing out my strengths, which include attention to detail.

And of course, I made an error in the email I didn't catch until after it was sent.

*headdesk*

Thoughts on Self-Sabotage

My professor just wrote back to me and indicated that the paper should be 50% research, 50% personal reflection. Obviously this really changes my approach to the whole thing. I should stop combing the databases for more articles, I should stop poring over books pulling out references. I should just look over what I have and write it up: A simple overview of current literature. Nothing in-depth, nothing complicated.

And yet as I sit here literally surrounded, almost *buried*, in papers and books, I feel resistant. And disappointed. I have 5 days to finish this paper, PLUS the rest of the coursework, but I really want to do an in-depth research review. Why do I want to make things harder for myself? Why can I not accept, with relief, the fact that this paper is way easier than I thought it was going to be?

Which leads me to ponder the ways in which I self-sabotage, and why I do so. That's clearly what my behavior comes down to. It's not so much simple procrastination, rather moves that deliberately shoot myself in the foot, making it at least 5 times harder to do something than it should be. I feel like I hate this. I hate the stress and anxiety that result from these behaviors. I berate myself for them, I criticize, and I feel like I have no control. This leads to an inevitable point of despair.

But really, it's my behavior, so on some level of course I have control. And that, in turn, means that on some level I want things to be more difficult.

It's been suggested to me many times that maybe I'm just bored. And so to challenge myself I throw up roadblocks at every step. Supposedly I need the thrill of adrenaline that comes from walking into exams unprepared, and leaving huge assignments until the last day, even if the thrill feels unpleasant. This makes sense, at least from a pop psychology standpoint. But it doesn't feel right. I never think I'm bored. In fact I think that I find school, and the processes involved in it (reading, composing, taking tests, etc.) challenging.

And this pattern of self-sabotage extends to many areas of my life. Watch me eagerly accept, and even petition to be given, extra tasks when I'm already completely booked. Watch me let a problem lie until that stitch (that would have been in time) suddenly becomes nine, for no discernible reason. Even my marriage, the most stable and important thing in my life...I tried to complicate that last year, the month before the wedding. The problem is simple, and clear: Undoubtedly, I always make things harder for myself.

The answer as to WHY is not so simple or clear. But this paper, and my reaction to watching the assignment get clarified into an easier and easier task, is making me think that maybe those pop theories are right. I cannot think of another reason why I would possibly want to make things harder, other than the above-mentioned adrenaline rush that comes from stressing myself out on purpose. In the case of this paper: Yes, I'm interested in this material, but of course I could just read the research in my leisure time if it were just self-education and curiousity that were motivating me. I could write about it in my blogs if I wanted to write about it. But I swear, if I thought there was any way she would let me, I would be petitioning my prof to let me write a 20+ page formal research paper in 5 days, not sitting here feeling angsty over the forced simplicity of the thing.


Maybe if I take this boredom theory and run with it, just as an experiment, I'll find some workarounds that don't involve blood, sweat, and tears. It certainly would make my life simpler if I could figure out how to coax my brain into just letting things be... simple.