Thoughts on Self-Sabotage

My professor just wrote back to me and indicated that the paper should be 50% research, 50% personal reflection. Obviously this really changes my approach to the whole thing. I should stop combing the databases for more articles, I should stop poring over books pulling out references. I should just look over what I have and write it up: A simple overview of current literature. Nothing in-depth, nothing complicated.

And yet as I sit here literally surrounded, almost *buried*, in papers and books, I feel resistant. And disappointed. I have 5 days to finish this paper, PLUS the rest of the coursework, but I really want to do an in-depth research review. Why do I want to make things harder for myself? Why can I not accept, with relief, the fact that this paper is way easier than I thought it was going to be?

Which leads me to ponder the ways in which I self-sabotage, and why I do so. That's clearly what my behavior comes down to. It's not so much simple procrastination, rather moves that deliberately shoot myself in the foot, making it at least 5 times harder to do something than it should be. I feel like I hate this. I hate the stress and anxiety that result from these behaviors. I berate myself for them, I criticize, and I feel like I have no control. This leads to an inevitable point of despair.

But really, it's my behavior, so on some level of course I have control. And that, in turn, means that on some level I want things to be more difficult.

It's been suggested to me many times that maybe I'm just bored. And so to challenge myself I throw up roadblocks at every step. Supposedly I need the thrill of adrenaline that comes from walking into exams unprepared, and leaving huge assignments until the last day, even if the thrill feels unpleasant. This makes sense, at least from a pop psychology standpoint. But it doesn't feel right. I never think I'm bored. In fact I think that I find school, and the processes involved in it (reading, composing, taking tests, etc.) challenging.

And this pattern of self-sabotage extends to many areas of my life. Watch me eagerly accept, and even petition to be given, extra tasks when I'm already completely booked. Watch me let a problem lie until that stitch (that would have been in time) suddenly becomes nine, for no discernible reason. Even my marriage, the most stable and important thing in my life...I tried to complicate that last year, the month before the wedding. The problem is simple, and clear: Undoubtedly, I always make things harder for myself.

The answer as to WHY is not so simple or clear. But this paper, and my reaction to watching the assignment get clarified into an easier and easier task, is making me think that maybe those pop theories are right. I cannot think of another reason why I would possibly want to make things harder, other than the above-mentioned adrenaline rush that comes from stressing myself out on purpose. In the case of this paper: Yes, I'm interested in this material, but of course I could just read the research in my leisure time if it were just self-education and curiousity that were motivating me. I could write about it in my blogs if I wanted to write about it. But I swear, if I thought there was any way she would let me, I would be petitioning my prof to let me write a 20+ page formal research paper in 5 days, not sitting here feeling angsty over the forced simplicity of the thing.


Maybe if I take this boredom theory and run with it, just as an experiment, I'll find some workarounds that don't involve blood, sweat, and tears. It certainly would make my life simpler if I could figure out how to coax my brain into just letting things be... simple.